Consistent readers of my blog already know a few things about me. For starters, I have my opinions, sure, but unless I can support them with scientific evidence, I state them as opinions and generally try to provide scientific evidence for the opinions that I have. Or at the very least, I don’t flesh them out and publish them in blog form for the whole world to read.
Keeping those things firmly in mind, I want to start off today’s entry with a simple claim that is backed up by widely accepted science. The claim is this: the way we talk with children every day has a direct effect on how their brains grow.
This is not a personal theory or some sort of trendy, feel-good parenting idea. So, how do I know this to be true? It’s backed up by a serious study conducted by psychological scientists from MIT and Harvard. In 2018, researchers at those schools tracked young children and measured their real brain activity using a functional magnetic resonance imaging device, which is a special kind of MRI that scans brain activity.
What they found ought to matter greatly to every single parent.
The strongest factor in language development in these children was not how many words the children heard. It was actually how often adults and children went back and forth, engaging in real conversation. The more turns in a conversation, the stronger the child’s language skills and corresponding brain activity.
When I read this, it changed how I thought about parenting.
What the Research Actually Looked At
The Harvard-MIT study followed kids at crucial developmental stages, between the ages of four and six. Researchers recorded their daily conversations and examined activity in the parts of the brain related to language. They then compared the results with the children’s actual language skills.
The key takeaway from the data was this: children who experienced more back-and-forth conversations showed stronger activity in areas of the brain linked to language and reasoning. Children who mainly listened, even if they heard a lot of words, did not show the same sort of results.
This tells us something important. Children do not develop language by listening alone. They develop it by responding, questioning, and developing their thoughts through interlocutors. In short, the study proved that kids develop the most important language skills through active participation in interactive conversations.
What “Interactive Conversation” Means in Real Life
Having interactive conversations with children does not require special lessons or even long talks. It happens in ordinary moments. It happens when a child speaks and an adult answers in a way that invites another response.
It can happen in any of the following everyday moments:
- A child shares an idea, and you ask what made them think that way.
- A child asks a question, and you pause for a moment before replying, giving them space for additional thought.
- A child leads with a topic, and you stay with it instead of redirecting the conversation.
- A child tells part of a story, and you ask them what happens next.
- A child struggles to explain something, and you help them find the words instead of finishing the sentence for them.
These are just examples, but they are the sorts of moments that serve to teach children that their thoughts matter and that communication works both ways. It teaches them that true learning doesn’t simply come from the passive reception of knowledge, but rather in engaging moments. Where two people are thinking together in real time and responding to one another.
Why This Matters Beyond Vocabulary
Children who experience more conversational turns tend to do better in grammar, vocabulary, and verbal reasoning. But the effects go much further than school performance or standardized testing results.
Regular conversation helps teach skills children use for life, such as:
- Listening to others
- Explaining ideas clearly
- Responding thoughtfully
- Understanding different views
These skills form early and grow through daily interaction, and they are absolutely beneficial foundations upon which a galaxy of other, more complex skills are built. Some of these include problem-solving, emotional regulation, and conflict resolution, among many others.
What Parents Can Do Starting Today
Encouraging interactive conversation with your kids does not require changing your busy schedule or adding new tasks to your family life. It simply requires a new level of awareness and attention.
Look for moments that already exist throughout the course of an average day and try to work in some back-and-forth discussions. Mealtimes, car rides, walks, or tucking your youngsters into bed all provide natural openings for interactive conversation.
It’s also important to ask questions that don’t have yes or no answers. And when doing so, give your child time to think before they respond. Let silence do some of the work. And when you respond, allow them time to digest and think. Also, it’s important that they know you’re really paying attention to what they say. When a child feels heard, they speak more. When they speak more, they learn more.
At my nonprofit, Maximum Difference Foundation (MDF), we advocate for small, daily actions that shape positive long-term outcomes. My team and I spend a great deal of time studying what supports the art and science of good parenting. We focus on practical, research-based ways to help raise children who are emotionally aware, resilient, and confident, and we actively encourage parents to keep learning through books, seminars, and expert guidance, including seeking out professional counseling when needed. Our core belief is that steady investment in children creates large benefits that last for generations. Beyond parenting education, MDF also works with established charitable groups to support people facing hardship in many parts of the world (Doctors Without Borders, the American Civil Liberties Union, the National MS Society, and the American Diabetes Association, to name only a few). At MDF, our goal is simple and consistent: to make a real, lasting positive difference.
But you don’t have to have the resources of a nonprofit organization at your disposal to do that. In fact, ordinary families can make a positive impact each and every day at zero cost to themselves, in a way that produces a massive payoff for their children later in life, the community and even beyond that. All it takes is a little interactive conversation here and there. It is one of the most powerful tools parents already have, though they may not yet know it.
A Simple Shift With Real Impact
I’d like to conclude this blog post by proposing a small experiment.
Pick one day in the near future and aim to increase the number of back-and-forth exchanges you have with your child. During that day, do not correct them. Do not rush them to speak. Do not shut a conversation down in the name of accomplishing a task or finishing a chore. Just respond to them and invite another response.
Then pay attention to what changes.
In many cases, children open up more than expected. They explain their ideas. They ask better questions. And perhaps most importantly, they stay engaged longer.
That is how true growth begins, and the sky is the limit as to what they do after that.